Why I'm so upset today.

It's not because of Trump's inauguration. I've made my peace with that. It's not because everyone in the country is attacking each other over their stance on him (sometimes literally). It's something a bit more personal than that.

On Election Day itself, I was most upset at Trump winning. My father made comments that, while not precisely confirming that he voted for Trump, certainly made it sound like he did. He had made comments prior to the election that really only confirmed to me that he voted for Trump. Stuff like the women accusing him of sexual harassment only doing it for the attention.

I've been holding on to this for all this time, trying to forget about it. I can't. Ever since I put two and two together about my Dad's stance on Trump, I've hated him for it. Because I thought he was better than that. I thought that my dad was a man of principle, a man who would never vote for someone who treats women so heinously for President of the United States of America. I thought my dad was someone who treated all men equally, who didn't balk at someone having different opinions on things just because they were different. His older sister is a Democrat. My mother, his wife of over 30 years, is a survivor of sexual abuse.

I thought Dad cared about the environment and education and the economy and the fact that his oldest daughter has no health care coverage because of greediness and the neglect of the poor by the wealthy. I thought Dad cared about the poor and needy and downtrodden and socially disenfranchised.

I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. He doesn't care about any of that. He just wants things his way. And I don't like the look of his way. I used to like it. But I was young and naive and sheltered and stupid back then. I knew nothing about the real world. And something tells me that while my Dad may have known something of the real world before, he is utterly blind to it now.

I have to let go of this hate. How I don't know. If I tell either parent, I'm afraid that they'll either dismiss me altogether or else make me sound like a raving lunatic and have me shipped off to the psych ward with no chance of coming back to my house.

How I made my peace with with Donald Trump winning this election.

Because despite being a registered Republican, I did not want Trump anywhere near the White House.

Step one: I cried. A lot. I just needed to get the emotions out. And that's perfectly okay to do.

Step two: I prayed. I prayed for peace of mind and clarity to accept what had happened.

Step three: I listened to what the Holy Ghost wanted me to do. I was prompted to read my patriarchal blessing.

Step four: I followed the prompting. I read it, and a particular passage about finding the good in other people hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I had not been living up to that blessing. Because I had hated Trump and his family and his supporters with such intensity that I could not, or rather would not, try to find the good qualities they possess. God does not want me to hate them because they are as much His children as anyone else is. Donald Trump is as much a child of God as I am.

Step five: I repented of my hatred and asked God to help me see the good in Trump, no matter how hard Satan may make it for me.

Only after doing these things was I able to rise from my despair, and see that even if things go way, way south for this country and this world, it is only because the Millenium is coming, where the perfect being that is Jesus Christ will personally rule upon the earth.

A rant about the stigma of mental illness.

Today I called in sick to work with a totally not true illness because I feel so bad about my inability to handle my job without taking an anti-anxiety medicine. I know that it helps me do my job well. It helps calm me down whenever I get mad. It helps me think more clearly in both situations.

So why am I so ashamed to take it? I'll tell you why. It's this society's refusal to accept those with mental illness as actual human beings that are perfectly capable of doing things as long as they have the right help. The worst part is that so many people don't know that this is the case. They think that a depressed person just needs to "hang in there" or "think happy." They even exploit mental illness during Halloween, under the reasoning that "it's just Halloween, who's going to be hurt by it?" How about the person who just got out of the hospital for psychiatric reasons, seeing their very serious medical condition being mocked instead of being understood for what it is. It's not just cruel, it's downright barbaric.

Good heavens, society today almost seems tailor-made to make the mental illness worse. The impossibly high standards of beauty that make the anorexic girl feel even fatter than she already feels at 100 lbs and the binge eater feel unloved because she is not beautiful. The high stress involved in day to day living that is the bane of those with anxiety disorders. The glut of negative news in the media that makes the depressed fall into despair.

This needs to change, and change starts with understanding. I highly recommend going to to read and listen to stories of actual people with actual mental illness share their stories of how mental illness affects their lives. It's a small step, but a lot of great things start out as a bunch of small steps.
Tenzin approves!

This is what I come out of a LJ hiatus for.

Not announcing I'm working at Deseret Industries (which I am). Not my twenty-eighth birthday (which was almost a month ago). Not the fact that I'll be attempting NaNoWriMo again (which is happening). Not even the stupidity that is this year's presidential election (which is a historical amount of stupidity).

No, what makes me want to post again is this:

 I first remember playing Civ II at a friend's house as a preteen (it was technically her dad's game, but it looked so cool I asked if I could take a shot at it). I didn't play it again until Civ V had been out for a while, and then mostly on my younger sister's computer because she has a desktop whereas I have a laptop. I never managed to actually play all the way through, though I came pretty close to a cultural victory with China. Like, just a few more turns close. My sister preordered Civ VI last night, after I told her it was coming out today. I guess she wasn't following things as closely as I was. Then again, she is busier than I am, what with her online animation classes and job.

Fun fact: Christopher Tin, the composer behind "Baba Yetu" (Civ IV's main menu theme), has composed the main menu theme for Civ VI, "Sogno di Volare." The kicker? The text is originally from none other than Leonardo da Vinci. Here's a link for those interested:

So yeah, I'm pretty excited to play this. Might even live tweet it.

Game of Thrones! Why must you be so lewd?!

If it were not for all that rape and gratuitous sex and foul language and nudity and despicable people always seeming to win, I'd actually feel comfortable watching you. I mean, there is some serious Grade A storytelling going on in this show! The show producers are doing things that have never before been done in a television format!

And here I am, mourning the fact that such great storytelling must be paired with such moral repugnance.

You know you're messed up in the head when...

you have fantasies about being abused and then punishing the abusers. Especially when the fantasies are directed at your own parents, who would rather die than see any harm come to you.

It's what it all comes down to; all my behavior problems, all my clashes with my parents that have happened in the past and still happen.  I can't believe I'm actually typing out this sentence, but I think I wish I was abused by my parents so can I punish them.

Oh, I've been bullied before. Fifth grade was the worst of it. But if anything, I did more abusing than recieving abuse, what with my profanity-laced tirades against the other kids.

And you know what the worst part of it is? It still wasn't enough for me. It's never enough to yell hurtful and derogatory words at my family. I have to hurt them physically, wether by screeching the words out or by the more standard physical violence. I've threatened my parents with a bo staff before. I'm fairly certain that I'm the reason that we don't have ammo in the house.

God in Heaven help me, for I am a sadist. And I so ashamed of that fact. It has caused nothing but grief for me. I don't even know if I can say I truly love my family if I want to hurt them so much. I don't want to be like this anymore.


It's almost Easter, which means those who have followed me for a while know what time it is. Yep, this Mormon is gonna post links to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Easter social media campaign.

Why do I keep doing this? Because I don't get a whole lot of opportunities in my daily life to share the Gospel, what with me being surrounded by members of my own faith here in Utah. But thanks to the internet, I have the opportunity to share my testimony of Jesus Christ with people as far away from me as New Zealand. That alone is a miracle.

This year, the church has decided to focus particularly on the resurrection portion of Christ's atonement. I've already posted an Instagram photo of me holding a picture of my pateral grandparents (both deceased) for this campaign. Because one day, when we all are resurrected, we will see each other again in perfected bodies free of pain and suffering. Because of the resurrection, they will be able to raise the son they lost shortly after birth. Because of Christ, I will also meet my maternal grandmother, and all my ancestors back to Adam and Eve. And so will you. All will be resurrected. It is Christ's free gift for everyone who is living, has lived, and will yet live. Isn't that wonderful?

Answer for question 4595.

With the death of David Bowie last week, a lot of discussion has taken place about the quality of music in recent years -- many people feel that today's artists cannot compare to those of the past. What are your thoughts about it? Do you feel today's musicians are as talented as those from years gone by? Who do you point to as an example of a great contemporary artist, and who is your example of someone you have no idea why anyone would listen to them?
There are still plenty of talented musicians out there. The're just not on the music industry's radar because the big labels are hanging on to an outdated mode of music distribution in it's death throes.

I'm a big Vocaloid fan, and it takes some major hard work to make a good song with the program, regardless of which voicebank is used. The Vocaloid producers I follow have some really great songs, while there are others with rather "meh" songs.

This is not unique to my particular branch of music. Every genre has this phenomenon, be it music or television or the written word.

As to talented contemporary artists, I'd have to go with Enya as one of the greats today. A great soothing respite from all the dubstep and high energy music.

And as for one I have no idea why people listen to them, I really don't listen to enough pop music of my own country to make an informed decision about that.